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Facing Houselessness
I have been waking up early in the morning with a feeling of dread. It is that familiar feeling that I am not being supported by the Universe; that life is kicking me out. I get up! Make my tea and sit with the feeling until it gives way to other feelings. I log into my computer to write this blog post and see that a past client is reaching out for support. A small sign of abundance. I turn my phone on and my boyfriend is offering to buy my van, Red Raven, now, so that I will have the cash, and I will turn it over to him when I leave. More abundance.
Maybe the Universe is showing me that I am making the right decision. It is supporting me in my new direction. Maybe as I surrender and move in the direction that is unfolding before me, more opportunity and more abundance will come.
My saving grace is to trust in the very thing I feel has abandoned me and let me down. I have to trust that this higher power; this higher force has a plan for my life that I can’t yet understand. This is a redirection. I am being guided into a new life. I don’t know what that life looks like. Sometimes I fear the worst.
My reflections go to the homeless man sitting on the street corner with his sign “anything will help,” and I see him through new eyes. What was his story? How did he get there? Any one passing by might assume it was drugs, or alcohol or some catalyst of his own doing. But what if it was just a series of events so far beyond his control, that he could not break the fall?
In Sedona, it is typical to hear the saying “why did you create this?” With the law of attraction, there is an assumption that everything we experience in our life is a product of our own creation, either consciously or subconsciously. Either we are creating through intention or through default. But this has always been confusing for me. For months on end I would wake up every morning thanking God for my great abundance, even as my life was falling apart. I would still affirm that I was wealthy and had everything I needed. This didn’t prevent my life from falling apart. Some might say I didn’t feel it enough. I didn’t believe it strong enough. But the truth is, I did believe that things were going to turn around for me. I put so much effort into trying to keep my life afloat, believing that my efforts were going to pay off.
This is where the feeling of betrayal comes from. I did everything right! Sure I felt fear and uncertainty. But I also had a lot of hope and faith that things were going to change. So is it possible that life takes everything from us, when it is trying to redirect us? Does the Universe/God, rip our life apart when we are far too comfortable, so we will be forced into the life that is more fully aligned with our purpose?
A friend of mine reminded me “Kaleah, maybe one day you will look back on this time and realize you were taken to a much greater place.” The new can always be much greater than the old. But it can also be worse. Only time will tell.
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Today it Became Real
As my world was crumbling down around me and I knew I had to make a change, I began to grieve the losses. I couldn’t hold on any longer to what was falling apart. I had to face the reality unfolding in front of me and let go of trying to breathe life into something that was dying.
The old life was beginning to fall away and I had to let it go. I had to begin putting my eyes on the future possibilities; what wanted to come into being.
You see, I believe life has a plan for us, but we don’t always know the plan. We fear letting go of the old because it is what was safe and familiar. We built our comfort zone around the old. Letting go of “what was” means stepping out into the abyss, not knowing what is next. Although I was beginning to see a rough outline, I still didn’t know how it was all going to unfold.
Today, was the day it became real that I was going to be leaving my home of ten years. I called the key people involved in the sale of the house, and talked to the two women who made me caretaker of the Grandmother drum sitting in my music studio. We would be having our last drum circle on the Spring Equinox. What a way to say goodbye!
The spring is always a powerful energy for me. There is a lot of momentum. Ideas and inspiration begin to sprout forth and what no longer serves, the me that is moving forward, is left behind. It is bittersweet.
Co-mingling with the excitement of the journey ahead, there was a fear that I would never be able to afford a home again, because prices were rising so fast, beyond so many people’s control. So many people are choosing van life, or RV life because they don’t want to pay the money required to live in a home. There is a new culture of houseless people. We invest in wheel estate. We live tiny. Minimalistic. It is a life some people say they would never trade for a sticks and bricks house again.
I look at my beloved cat Nala curled up napping on my bed and a great sadness comes over me. She is really my neighbors cat, but he leaves for work during the week and doesn’t come home until the weekends. He asked me to look after her and I did gladly. She adopted me and hardly ever went to my neighbors home when he was there anymore. I didn’t know what would become of her. I couldn’t take her with me. She would be miserable. Here, she had two homes that were her domain and she loves being outdoors. I texted my neighbor today as well, and told him the news. My heart aches for Nala.
There is a lot to grieve. And so I imagine, like times before, the grief would dance in the same place as the joy and excitement of a new adventure. Sometimes I would relish in the passion of a new creation and other times I would cry deep, soulful, tears for what I was leaving behind.
I have crossed the threshold, the point of no return. The choice has been made and spoken aloud. My world will never be the same.
