-
Today it Became Real
As my world was crumbling down around me and I knew I had to make a change, I began to grieve the losses. I couldn’t hold on any longer to what was falling apart. I had to face the reality unfolding in front of me and let go of trying to breathe life into something that was dying.
The old life was beginning to fall away and I had to let it go. I had to begin putting my eyes on the future possibilities; what wanted to come into being.
You see, I believe life has a plan for us, but we don’t always know the plan. We fear letting go of the old because it is what was safe and familiar. We built our comfort zone around the old. Letting go of “what was” means stepping out into the abyss, not knowing what is next. Although I was beginning to see a rough outline, I still didn’t know how it was all going to unfold.
Today, was the day it became real that I was going to be leaving my home of ten years. I called the key people involved in the sale of the house, and talked to the two women who made me caretaker of the Grandmother drum sitting in my music studio. We would be having our last drum circle on the Spring Equinox. What a way to say goodbye!
The spring is always a powerful energy for me. There is a lot of momentum. Ideas and inspiration begin to sprout forth and what no longer serves, the me that is moving forward, is left behind. It is bittersweet.
Co-mingling with the excitement of the journey ahead, there was a fear that I would never be able to afford a home again, because prices were rising so fast, beyond so many people’s control. So many people are choosing van life, or RV life because they don’t want to pay the money required to live in a home. There is a new culture of houseless people. We invest in wheel estate. We live tiny. Minimalistic. It is a life some people say they would never trade for a sticks and bricks house again.
I look at my beloved cat Nala curled up napping on my bed and a great sadness comes over me. She is really my neighbors cat, but he leaves for work during the week and doesn’t come home until the weekends. He asked me to look after her and I did gladly. She adopted me and hardly ever went to my neighbors home when he was there anymore. I didn’t know what would become of her. I couldn’t take her with me. She would be miserable. Here, she had two homes that were her domain and she loves being outdoors. I texted my neighbor today as well, and told him the news. My heart aches for Nala.
There is a lot to grieve. And so I imagine, like times before, the grief would dance in the same place as the joy and excitement of a new adventure. Sometimes I would relish in the passion of a new creation and other times I would cry deep, soulful, tears for what I was leaving behind.
I have crossed the threshold, the point of no return. The choice has been made and spoken aloud. My world will never be the same.
-
Integration and Minimalism
I’m now back at my home in Arizona but instead of taking the whole house back, I moved into the downstairs and put together a make shift kitchen, using my outdoor kitchen, a two burner hot plate and small refrigerator. I’m slowly organizing and integrating back to living in a house.
I’ve run into several people in Sedona who have been following my blog and I say “thank you! Thank you for flying with me! I am honored! For some my journey was a reminder of their own previous van ventures, and others lived vicariously through my travels.
Since I’ve been back I’ve felt a restlessness, a sense that I have a purpose to fulfill and I need to fully embrace this purpose. I’m not ready to pack up the van again and head out. Not yet. We are now entering October, which is the nicest month of the year, here in Arizona. So I want to stay here and embrace the cooler weather while I delve directly into the restlessness within me.
I’ve begun weekly podcasting again at Pandoras-Box-Radio.com and also posting the audio’s and video’s on Youtube.
It feels like I am living more to be of service to others than to find new ways to make myself happy. My happiness comes in knowing I am being of service.
My life is not about collecting things, or distracting myself with all the usual distractions any longer. I’m more in the “clearing” phase of my life not the accumulation phase. It’s time to let things go. It is time to live more simply; more minimalistic.Since I moved the majority of my personal belongings to my downstairs space, prior to leaving on my journey, I have the opportunity to begin clearing a lot of things out that I no longer want or need. Going through my desk drawers I found Windows 7, Windows XP and old software that is no longer valid. I threw out all my old CD burning gear as I no longer burn CD’s, nor do I have the computer with a CD burner. Some things we need to clear out simply because they become obsolete, and in today’s world this happens fast.
Last January after returning from Costa Rica, I let go of seven garbage bags of clothing and other items. I was already moving in this direction. This past week I released another five or so boxes.
It feels like one of the biggest realizations that came out of my trip is that I need to embrace minimalism, live simply and de-clutter all my spaces. I need to get very clear about what serves me and what doesn’t. Life is not about stuff! It is not about possessions. It is about living a quality life. What is quality? I’m still working this out. I’m still finding my way.
The one thing I can tell you is that Van Life was so simple in so many ways. I only had a 4 x 9 space to be concerned with. Of course I had very few conveniences that I had at home. But this was part of the simplicity.In the past, if there was an empty space in my life, or my house, I would fill it with something. Now I am learning to appreciate the empty spaces and trying to create a whole lot more of it. It is a slow process.
The lessons I have learned on the road are many and I will continue to write about them. For now I can tell you, I am not the same. This journey has changed me in a way I can’t yet explain. It has taken me so deep within my own Self-ness and showed me things I may not have seen otherwise. I have a stronger relationship with myself, and a deeper spiritual connection.
I have a feeling that something more is about to emerge; a deeper sense of purpose, a new mission, and a freedom that can only come when we are able to identify our self imposed prisons and release ourselves.
